(A representation of the Divine in my vision, represented by various symbols such as the circle for eternity, the eternity symbol, hexagram to represent As Above so Below, Alpha and Omega as the Beginning and the End)
This is an excerpt from my book called “Egotrism” which I independently published in 2010 via lulu.com, and adapted it for the website and for my current situation in February 2017.
I wish to talk about my vision of religion and the stages that I’ve been through, in order for you to exactly understand “what’s the deal with me” before forming wrong ideas.
I believe that everyone must be aware of the importance of his religion in his/her life. Religion should not be taken as a group in which you choose to join, in order to find a place in society. From my point of view, religion is the destiny of each man’s soul, it is his way of life and the highway to Death. Yes, religion can change your way of life, way of thinking. Unlike atheism, religion offers you something more. It offers you a new theory, a “new” pair of eyes, which will help you see the importance of spirituality in life and of the spiritual evolution. Of course, every religion is different. Every religion shows you a different image on life, on the spirit and on yourself. Christianity is different from Satanism, Judaism is different from Hinduism, and so on. Also, each person is different from another and has the right to choose his own religion according to his feelings or thoughts. As you get older, you start seeing life differently and also the religion in which you belong. And that’s the time when only YOU have the right to change your path. That’s what I did too. I have chosen what I’ve considered to be best for my soul, I’ve chosen something I was truly connected with and the path I have needed the most.
I do not know if my religion which I simply call “Egotrism” is in fact a religion, but it is certainly a path of religious essence. As a life guide for myself it turned out to be more than just an ideology. It became my own way of life.
Egotrism took birth out of many paths I’ve studied and some that I have followed. From studying and reading, from the people I have met and learned from, from experience and from maturity, I took the best I got and put it all together. There were books, magazines, papers, articles, websites that I read with a clear mind. There were people that I have listened to with an opened soul. But experience and age were the most important, now I see. A lot is still ‘under construction’, evolution is ever changing and I am still young.
If your guess is that I have something to do with creepy shit such as Satanism and Demons, you’d be right. These were part of my life for almost half of it, and still play an important role in it, just as Christianity and God were for the other half of my very young existence.
But there must be a balance in our lives and we need to learn to take anything we need from any source, be it “good” or “bad”. But that asks a great capacity of understanding and wisdom and only trying and searching can we find what is good and what is wrong (for us). And that is exactly what I have done in recent years and what I will try to explain here.
The “dark” faith (so to speak), embraced my soul back in 2003. Since then I have been studying Satanism and other LHP tradition, with my soul and mind, with an appetite for knowledge and a strong attraction. A strong attraction resulting from the spiritual connection I had with Satan since birth. Yes, I’ve always been spiritually connected to Satan, just as I was with Jehovah (God). Since I was a child I believed in God. We were very close and indeed He played a major role in my life. I have been a very devoted follower to both Gods, in separate times of my life. I always took religion and spirituality seriously for I knew and felt it’s importance and impact in my life. I consider that religion has the role to help the individual to exceed any limit in his way and to evolve both spiritually and intellectually. For that reason, I was determined to leave Christianity behind for the stupid thought that it wasn’t giving me what I was needing at that time.
It is true, that while I was a Christian I was very anxious and frustrated. I felt spiritually empty and vulnerable. And compared to the period I have devoted myself to the Devil, I can say that the “dark” side helped me much more. What I failed to understand all that time, yet luckily got it and understood, is that God was not responsible for the happenings in my life and that I was disappointed by myself and not by Him. I have expected from God what most people expect from an employee or better yet, from a slave. It is true I haven’t asked for money, a house and a wife, but like any man I have asked for guidance and strength. These two have been instead provided by Satan, psychologically explained through auto-suggestion and spiritually explained through channeling.
It is true that the majority of religions, including Christianity have become the exact opposite of what they were meant to be. Christianity as well as many other RHP religions have a great deal of spiritual wisdom to offer if you look at their roots, however in time they have chanced and became nothing more than manipulative and political powers which have no value for the human soul. Thus, I was constrained to form my own path, more subjective and personal, and came up with what I call Egotrism. However, that did not happen until much later, after I went through another important change and spiritual experience with Satanism.
As I was saying, I got to understand that neither God nor Satan are responsible for our life events and spiritual conditions and we must not be disappointed by them, but by ourselves, by our ability to understand certain things which we usually miss.
Perhaps that, if in the right time I would’ve gained the esoteric knowledge that was so well hidden in Christianity and other religions, I would’ve evolved much faster, but that didn’t happen as long as indoctrination and spiritual dogma were the walls that I had to break in order to find that treasure. I was waiting from the gods what I should’ve waited from myself. The guidance and power were in fact in myself and all around me. From a hermetic point of view, divinity is all around and we all have access to it. I didn’t see it that way before. I couldn’t see the esoteric and spiritual teachings offered, either in Christianity or Satanism or any other. I got to a point where I became to see Christianity as a religion that would keep me away from evolution, a weak and limited religion, without logic or spiritual value. But can I be blamed for that?
First of all, the logic behind these religions is so well hidden that it takes years to decipher. With all the symbolism, traditions, dogma, it is hard to penetrate the walls and find the “treasures”. In the case of Christianity, the walls became thicker and thicker with the passing of time because of the numerous interpretations and mysticism added by all the people who worked to establish it as a religion. It is not the same as it was when it was presented by the prophets and lost its spiritual essence in time.
I had to dig further and further to discover all of these, and it was not the first decision I made. As man is a lazy creature of habit, I also preferred the easy way and prefer to ignore the truth and give it false attributes.
I became to see Christianity as a religion that affects people in a negative way in their way of living and thinking. I was a Christian for over 10 years and all I’ve seen was only what it was presented to me by the people who run the so-called Church. And like many others (i.e. Nietzsche) I got to criticize the Christianity presented by the Church, not the one presented by the soul, by the divine, by the prophets. In reality there is a huge difference, but how could I see with my eyes closed?
I came to see Christianity as a monstrosity, presented as a false, satyric and revolting religion. Instead of seeing the esoteric significance of the Cross, I was seeing a crucifix with a tortured naked man.
Christianity, the religion of the CHURCH is indeed nothing more than a manipulative phenomenon for the weak. I’ve seen this and gave fault, unconsciously, on God, whom I associated with all the filth represented by the Church, forgetting about my personal affairs with Him. There is a big difference between spirituality and religion, and the best example that I can offer is the way that God acts and manifests upon the adept and the way Christianity acts and manifests. I’ve made the mistake of accusing both sides.
In time, I’ve changed. Disgusted and antichristian to the bone, I’ve chosen the exact opposite. I chose Satanism, a religion that would have opened new doors, a religion that urges the adept to be confident, autodidact, intelligent… that urges the adept to be a fighter, not a slave.
Now, don’t get me wrong.. I don’t see Satanism as a refuge for those who are unsatisfied by God, or a revenge on the world and God.. Like, a plan B, a second choice . Hating God and being antichristian is, indeed, a satanic act, but for me that religion did not limit itself at this. It was far more than just.. inversed Christianity. It was far more than listening to black metal and screaming “Fuck God ! Hail Satan!”.. that is shit. You can look absolutely normal, you can act normal, you can listen to Shakira and still be a Satanist . What was most important, at least for me, was the relationship with Satan which I always wanted to get bigger and stronger. I wanted Him to be a part of my life, as God “didn’t have the necessary disposition for that”. I wanted to show the world that Satanists are far better than they think. To make them proud when shouting “Hail Satan!”, knowing that the others will not have anything to reproach to them or treat them as enemies but as someone superior.
I believe that the real reason for my decision was not because I loathed Christianity, but because I wanted to know that “someone” or “something” that has been around me ever since I could remember yet never got to chance to understand it. I knew there was something other than God that was influencing me and my life, but I didn’t understand “what” it was back then. Here I am referring to what most people call “the Devil” or Satan, a kind of archetype of “evil” (esoterically understood as a negative force or energy). I knew about Him long before someone told me there’s a devil out there who wants to get your soul. I recognized his presence in my life as a presence similar to that of God, yet somehow different.. apparently, much different. It’s an axiom which one way or another everybody knows, yet like any other unknown detail, man generally prefers to ignore it. Instead, I chose to know it, and by the time I was 12 years old I began to seriously document myself on this subject, and in time I got to understand with whom I was actually dealing with, ending up to personally know this “Satan” and find out what his plans might be for me. I have finally got to understand the whole picture, and by the time I turned 13 years old my life took a big turn at 180 degrees and began to call myself a Satanist. I was, at heart.. and I even symbolically, ritually and spiritually dedicated my life to Satan when I was 16 years old.
There was no one that could change my path. I was fully dedicated to the god that I though was always there for me, the only god that I though that wouldn’t keep me in chains but would offer me liberty and knowledge, happiness and love. That was true to me for a long time until eventually I started having some experiences and, only by necessity, I had to renounce the god that I have loved so much.
I was “godless” until my narcissism took over and declared myself the Messiah Of Myself, The Buddha of My Life. The Gods I’ve worshiped became associates in spiritual work. Little by little, I’ve combined Them and Their religions, and put together what now I call Egotrism, the religion of the SELF. All of that and much more I was able to apply and remake my entire life.
Today I am a new man. I’ve spent many years in “darkness” (read: blindness, or better yet lack of knowledge) and now I see the “light” (I have not became illuminated, but I did learn a lot about myself and life since then). Some people associate God with light, but I don’t care how you call it. I stopped giving names to that which has no name or definition. I only enjoy what I have learned and what I keep learning, I enjoy my life and use all my strength to evolve and it is so fulfilling that I can’t even describe it. I never imaged that I could get to such a level of consciousness. A skeptical might call that bipolar disorder, but… could it be more than that? * smiles *
For over 8 years I was totally dedicated to “darkness”. A pure darkness, not just a symbolic one. I want to say that besides the devastating way of life that I had, my mental and spiritual conditions touched such negative heights that it became suffocating.
For over 8 years I worked with dark forces/spirits, however you want to consider them/call them. Things that at that time, made me think they were the only suitable ways in the 21st century. And certainly, they are so suitable for the modern man from a rational point of view that you’d swear it’s the only reality you may live. But not everything is what it seems, and you need a certain understanding and experience to realize that what seems normal isn’t always good. And you realize that only after a long time of contemplation and experience. You can tell a fool that “this is wrong” and he will believe you. But a smart individual needs more than a warning. He wants to inspect, to verify, to experiment, he wants to convince himself. And that is what I managed to do, after all these years in which I poisoned my being and got to a stage where I felt I was rotting.
I had to die and to rot before I came back to life. A new life. I realize there’s a difference between spirituality, or the pseudo-spirituality which I practiced many years ago, and that pure spirituality, the truly divine experience. Yet, I’m not saying that darkness doesn’t have its purpose. On the contrary, it has a great importance, for without it I couldn’t die and thus couldn’t be reborn. I couldn’t see all the hidden things if I did not search and dwell into darkness. Indeed, darkness is part of reality, is even part of the Divine, but it is a part which must be used with a lot of care and experience.
A spiritual rebirth is like a blooming flower, and that is what I felt. Not that I practiced anything special except some simple meditation exercises. But it is that kind of spirituality in which you no longer need a ritual to awaken your spirit. It is the type of spirituality which, with a ounce of wisdom you can awaken the most spectacular states of consciousness through the most trivial and common things… music, dance, laughter etc. If you give other valencies and perspectives to a laughter or a dance, and you look at them from a different point of view, it will give you more energy than sacrificing a goat.
Just imagine one thing. Back then, I began to emit such a negative energy that people around me were overwhelmed and wanted to run away. And it’s not me saying this, but it is a thing confirmed by many people who told me about it. Now I found my peace, my balance, my soul.
It is sad, because the world has gotten to such a degraded level of spirituality that they almost lost their identity of a human being. The human being is a spiritual being. It is not an excuse that you work like a slave 12 hours a day, that you have 5 kids and don’t have time for YOURSELF. Life belongs to you and, like you take care of your teeth every morning to not have dental decay you can take care of your soul for at least 30 minutes a day. We live in a world that is way too stressed, depressed and ignorant that doesn’t do anything to evolve, physically, mentally and spiritually. The financial crisis came and no more or less affected us all, we the ordinary people. And suddenly everyone lives to work, instead of working to live. I can’t believe that I am unconscious or too immature to understand that there is no way to live without working like a maniac.
But there’s a difference. When after those 12 hours of work you come home and sit in front of the TV or play video games until you drop of sleep it seems normal that not too late you will have a personality crisis, you will become depressed and tired. I know very well.. I’ve been through that myself. How many of you still have the mood, time and energy to go in the park to run half an hour and to put your thoughts in order ? How many of you still take the liberty for a walk in nature to connect with the soul of the Earth ? How many of you still stay 10 minutes every night in prayer or meditation to feed your spirit with positive energy ? There is no longer a balance in our lives, and once lost you hardly get it back. Again, I know very well.. I’ve been through this. In desperation people go to Church to pray for success in life. Others change their religion completely, loosing their hope in the god that they say that suddenly doesn’t EXIST ANYMORE !
Life is more than it seems. Once you get to know it, you will love it. If you have a simple life, and say it is beautiful now at 20 years of your life, you say it because you have fun dancing, going to bars, pubs and clubs, talking to friends, playing videogames etc. But at a moment, all of these will get to appear so simple that they won’t truly satisfy you anymore. If you have a complex life, and you’re based on spirituality, on nature, on life for real, there will always be something beautiful to learn about life. There are no limits from this point of view. Spirituality and nature offer us much more than we think. There will always be new things to do, to learn.. But only if you are opened to them. If you, in your ignorance, without knowing them, say they don’t exist or that they’re not important, you will never understand the true beauty of life.
A normal individual would say that religion, meditation, magic and all this stuff are too much for him and that they surpass him. The truth is that HE limits HIMSELF and says that they surpass him. Because he doesn’t truly know himself, and doesn’t know his real capability to live. Religion, meditation, magick etc is for everyone just as life and nature and spirituality are for everyone. Its just that we alone put in front of ourselves these limits and say that it is not possible or true or that we can’t do this or that. The normal individual is a dead individual for he seeks wisdom not in spirituality and life, but in the oddest places and most complicated material of books and articles full of undecipherable information. We live in this world and don’t have the eyes to see its beauty. We live in this world and don’t realize that it is from LIFE ITSELF that we need to take our knowledge from. We need to raise our eyes to the sky and see the true magic of life!
Life is beautiful. It is the most beautiful gift that has been given to us, and we are destroying it, like throwing it to garbage.
For there can be no Religion more true or just, than to know the things that are; and to acknowledge thanks for all things, to him that made them, which thing I shall not cease continually to do.
– Corpus Hermeticum, The Divine Pymander, First book
I shout this message to all my friends and all the authentic seekers who have a great potential and admirable qualities, but who are wasting their souls as if they are blindfolded. DON’T LET YOUR SOUL’S FLAME FADE! Live and love what is to be loved. Be pure like you were when you were born and regain your real freedom! Real freedom is not gained through rebellion, but by liberating yourself from all those things that hinder the spirit. Rise like a Phoenix, thinking that you’ve been ashes all this time.. and reborn! It is time for a new life!
Latest posts by FvF (see all)
- Contemplating Death - October 27, 2024
- Moșii and the Fire of Sumedru - October 26, 2024
- Lunar Astrology and the 28 Lunar Mansions - May 19, 2024
- I’m not an occultist, magician or initiate (a ranting) - December 19, 2019
- New articles! - December 14, 2019
